Ever since I was a young teen, I’ve been in love with leather. There are even times that I went into department stores just to find their leather jackets and savor the smell. I would try them on and feel safe underneath the leather’s weight.
My love for leather even prompted me to flirt with men just because they were wearing leather. It didn’t matter how old they were, I just longed to feel their leather against my skin.
Later in life, after I became a stripper, my love for leather quickly faded away. Instead of being something made me feel safe, now leather was used by my ex-husband/pimp to punish me. Not only was it used to spank me when I stepped out of line, it was also his favorite thing to torture me with. There were many times that I was bound to the boiler with his leather straps and left without food or water for days at a time. Unfortunately, this wasn’t all. I’ll never forget his leather spiked gauntlets. Not intended to look cool, these were his weapons. If I didn’t work hard enough or make enough money for the night, he would hit me forcing the spikes deep inside of my skin. Never in the face though. His favorite place to hit me with them was between my legs or in the kidneys. Needless to say, when I left him I had a deep fear of leather.
Years later, when Hubby and I started our journey into kink, I had to face this fear and let it go. It wasn’t easy falling back in love with the leather that used to bring me such comfort. The first time Hubby pulled out a set of leather cuffs, I curled up in a ball shaking and crying. My poor husband had no idea about the deep fear that I had of leather; I’d never shared that part of my past with him.
The next day, I had a bit of explaining to do. It wasn’t easy to relive some of the worst experiences while I explained my actions from the night before. Of course, my Hubby was very understanding and even offered to throw them away. I’ll never forget the tenderness in his voice as he held me that morning and apologized for upsetting me.
Soon after, it became apparent that if we were going to continue our path into BDSM, I was going to have to get over these feelings. I knew Hubby loved me and would never hurt me, so it was time to deal with these demons inside my head.
Facing your fears in never an easy task and it doesn’t happen overnight. After many long talks we decided to start out slow. A nice sexy leather like outfit for the bedroom seemed like a good place to start. After the first night wearing it, I was beginning to feel slightly comfortable. Hubby did all he could to reassure me and made sure I knew how hot and sexy he thought I looked. Things went well and we decided to take it a bit further.
Next Hubby ordered the Spartacus Divinity Wrist Cuffs. I was a little nervous, but they didn’t look like the leather straps that were used to trap me in the boiler room. Instead, they were soft and rather cute with the white leather, light blue gems and furry lining. After debating whether or not to actually put them on, I gave in and let Hubby put them on me.
He was gentle, kissed my wrists and did everything that he could to make me feel comfortable. I wish that night would have been magical. Unfortunately, half way through our fun I had to get them off of me. But we didn’t give up; I wanted to rid my mind of these old demons.
Slowly over time, I could wear the cuffs longer and longer. Until one night a breakthrough came and I let Hubby cuff me and tether me to the bed. It was amazing. Not only had I realized with every part of my mind that he would never hurt me, I also found great pleasure in being bound and dominated.
I thought all was well, until the day our new flogger arrived. Unlike the cuffs, the flogger had a strong leather smell. When I first touched it, the smell brought my mind right back to my ex’s drawer with his leather gauntlets and other gear. Immediately, I began to freak out. I threw the flogger back in its box and marched it out side. I didn’t want that in my house. No way. When Hubby realized what had happened, I saw the shock on his face. “Are we not past this?” he asked. “No!” I replied firmly.
Throughout that night, I couldn’t get the flogger out of my mind. It looked so pretty and I loved the way our latex whip felt on my bottom. Why couldn’t I feel the same about the flogger? I found myself going to sleep and dreaming about it.
The next day, I was determined to let my baggage go and embrace our new toy. At first I just sat there on our porch and stared at the box. I kept telling myself, it’s just leather. It’s not alive; it can’t jump out and hurt you. That really struck me. I think that was when I first time that I realized, the leather couldn’t hurt me. It was only the person controlling the leather that could do me harm. I knew down deep inside that Hubby would never do a thing to hurt me, he loved and cherished me. Sitting there on my porch, I opened the box and just stared at the flogger. “You can’t hurt me.”, I told the inanimate object crumpled up in the bottom of the cardboard box. When Hubby came back from fishing, he sat there with me quite. Finally I reached down, picked up the flogger and ran my fingers through the falls. I kept thinking, you can’t hurt me, can you. Hubby sat there quietly with me, letting me work this out myself but still there for support.
I asked him if we tried this could he be easy and go slow. Of course, I knew he would. But, I wanted to hear him say it. After a while, we went inside and the flogger came along.
That night, Hubby must have been surprised to walk in the room to find the flogger lying across the bed. “Are you sure?” he asked. I just smiled and bent over. Going slow, he stared out just running the falls over my back lightly. To my surprise, the falls felt amazing gliding across me. Before I knew it, my mind was in a completely different place. I started remembering how leather use to make me feel safe. How the smell use to arouse me. Not thinking, I was begging him to spank me. Hubby was probably more than happy to oblige and the rest of the night was sheer ecstasy.
No longer do I carry this baggage from my past. Now I have a love for leather that runs deeper than it did during my youth. Now leather is something that brings me pleasure, makes me feel safe and is used because Hubby loves me.
Letting go of my past demons is liberating. It’s taking back the parts of my life that were stolen from me and allows me to regain control. Today the smell of leather brings erotic thoughts to my mind, instead of making me want to run for my life. Even when Hubby uses leather to do all sorts of kinky BDSM things to me, I feel loved and safe with our leather. Totally liberated, I once again adore the smell and feel of leather and it’s a treasured part of our tool box.
I’m sure this isn’t the type of post you expected from reading the title. Written with great reservation, I hope that sharing my experience will help others who stay clear of sexual activity because of past abuse of pain. We don’t have to live with the demons of our past. We don’t have to let those who harmed us continue to have control over our lives. Find your own path to freedom and take back control of those areas of your life. Believe me, it may be painful, but it’s worth each tear you shed to reclaim yourself and be in control again.
This was such an amazing post to read – what a journey you have been on! It’s a great partnership that you and your hubby have, and it was a treat to have a glimpse into how you worked together to overcome this.
HUGS, thank you so much. I really was worried about posting it. I even re wrote it over and over and cut a lot. I truly hope it helps others.
Wow that is some story. Glad that you over came so much, which has allowed you to build a loving relationship with your hubby. Thank you for sharing.
Beautiful story about overcoming your demons. Thanks for sharing it with us, Lori.
Oh yes.. the weight of a thick, leather jacket. I love it too, it feels so comforting.
Wow, Lori.. what a deeply emotional article. Shivers ran down my spine reading it.. and not in a good way. I’m very tempted to say a lot about your ex-husband, but I won’t. You probably know what I want to say. All I can say is that I’m genuinely happy and relieved that you’re far away from him now.
Even a tear rolled down my cheek when I read that your husband was so understanding.. I also have things from my past that were really hard to share with my boyfriend, so I know how crucial that is. As I read this, I think he’s an incredibly loving man, and I’m glad you two found each other, and that you gave that flogger a go and got over your fears. That just.. beautiful.
One thing is sure.. I’m going to share this all over the place. This is definitely my favorite article from you.. it really touched me. Thank you so much for opening up, and for finding the courage to write this.
I can’t imagine how hard that must have been, but it seems you have a wonderful husband who helped you past your demons. Wonderful post.
This made me angry, sad, happy, and eager to see my partner. I know it wasn’t easy to write or share this, but I’m selfishly glad that you did. Stories about women like you that take back their sexual autonomy bring me comfort/reassurance and inspiration. I agree that the right partner(s) can make a great deal of difference, but in the end you’re the one that battles those demons.
You are as brave as your ropework is beautiful. Happy flogging!
What a stirring, beautiful story. I am continually inspired & awed by the range of responses I get in the #KOTW. Thank you so much for sharing this! And I am so happy that you have been able to overcome your past.