As a stripper/prostitute, I quickly learned that men were only interested in one thing; sex. No one seemed to care that I was a teenager, no one wanted to know my real name; let alone anything about me. Although the infamous red light district of New Orléans was long gone, the stories remained. Because of these tales, most men who came to the French Quarter only wanted one thing, a prostitute.
After leaving behind my life in New Orléans, I was determined to change from everything that I’d been. At first I didn’t want anything to do with men let alone sex, but that changed when I met Hubby. He was different and it was obvious that he truly loved me. Yet despite his best efforts, I couldn’t shake the thoughts that I was only wanted for my body.
After the honeymoon phase faded away, I began to shutdown sexually. It wasn’t long before Hubby was lucky if we had sex once a week. It wasn’t that he was bad in bed; oh gosh no. Actually he’s an amazing lover. The problem was my mixed up mind. To me sex wasn’t a time to connect with the one that you love; it was a way that men used me. Instead of being a beautiful act, it was dirty.
Although I knew Hubby was different from the men of my past, the demons in my head kept telling me that nothing had changed. The more I listened to these thoughts, the more I repressed everything sexual about me.
Without realizing it, I’d let myself fall into the role that I’d played for the men who bought me. It’s hard to explain, but when you are forced into having sex for money you disassociate yourself with the actions. Your body is doing things but you’re not there; only a shell of person is there. It may sound strange, but I’d figured out a routine to sex. Start by stripping, then take off his pants, on my knees I would try to suck him off so I didn’t have to do anything else. But when more was required, there was a routine for that too. Sex was nothing more than emotionless motions that you go through, while your mind is screaming I hate this.
With Hubby, the one man whom I knew love me with all his heart, I found myself in this same routine. Completely disassociated from sex, it was just something that I had to do to keep him happy. No matter how much Hubby tried to help me let go of my past, sex was still dirty and a dreaded chore.
It wasn’t long into our marriage when I found myself making up every excuse in the book not to have sex. Everything from I’m sick, I’m still spotting or even falling asleep on the couch before he could get frisky; I did it all. Looking back on it now, I’m sure that I spent more time trying to get out of sex than I did having it.
Needless to say, Hubby was extremely frustrated during this time in our marriage. Unfortunately, it lasted for years. My view of sex had become so twisted that I convinced myself that it was only for one thing, making a baby; nothing more, nothing less. My views not only affected our marriage, it also had a profound effect on the kids; but that’s a story for another time.
Thank goodness my thoughts about sex have completely changed, but it wasn’t easy. It took a lot for Hubby to get my prudish life style to fade away. It took even more for me to start enjoying being intimate. I can’t pin point a moment when my thinking shifted, but I’m glad it did. As for poor Hubby who had to do without for so many years, he’s like a kid in a candy store now.
For those inquiring minds who want to know more, not to worry, I’ll be sharing more with you very soon.